whinge

arghh. i havent written in like a month. ive been arguing with myself. “you’ve got nothing to write now,” you should do something else,”  ”no one wants to read now all the hype of hospital’s over,” and then “oh maybe people do wanna hear something…” but what to talk about? ive been battling with my perfectionism. other peoples blogs are so much better than mine i shouldn’t even bother. so instead i decide to write a book. which i have started but stopped because am out of ideas of what to say. then i start sticking in pictures in the book im making and get stuff everywhere. to make matters worse grant suggests painting. (ive never been a painter) so we have a painting day and more stuff goes everywhere. he said it looked good that way.

anyway my thyroid is playing up like insanely. which limits my hands from functioning. i cannot write. hand write. so that limits me to writing my story in my scrapbook. frustrating. i could always type and print but that won’t look creative.

so this is a whinge. sorry guys. happier one soon.

to andrew and sarah

From one of my favourite authors and speakers Rob Bell. It’s from his newest release “Drops Like Stars”

When you talk with people who have just received news that they have a life -threatening illness, what do they say?

“Now I must get those hedges trimmed!”

“I’ve been putting that plastic surgery off long enough.”

“It’s finally time to join that online poker club.”

No of course not. They talk about family and friends. They gather those they love as close as possible. They reflect on any amends that need to be made with anybody.

They talk about what matters most.

Suffering does that.

It compels us to eliminate the unnecessary, the trivial, the superficial.

There is greatness in you. Courage. Desire. Integrity. Virtue. Compassion. Dignity. Loyalty. Love. It’s in there – somewhere. And it takes some suffering to get at it. It’s in there.

I have a couple of friends from the ward at Royal North Shore and St Vinnies who I have managed to stay in touch with. We are on facebook and generally keep each other updated with how we are going. Today I was sitting in pharmacy waiting to pick up my  daily drugs and I thought to check how my dear friend Andrew was going so I flicked to his page and the words that I see “Rest In Peace Andrew.” My heart almost stopped. It almost broke. He didn’t make it. His beautiful family, and Sarah his fiance whom I got to know quite well, I can’t imagine what they’re feeling. Life is so short.

After leaving st vincents today, Mum and I dropped past Royal North Shore to pass on this same Rob Bell book to another close friend facing a relapse of AML Leukaemia. You may have heard mum speak of him on her blog (www.girlonaswing.wordpress.com). We walked down the halls and all I could feel was the emptiness of the place. It’s dark, and cold, its like people have engraved their fear into the walls. And we see our beautiful friends Liv Chapman, just had her stem cells harvested to give to her older brother Sam for his second transplant. She was so bright but so broken hearted for her brother. Suffering. And her parents. Imagine watching two of your children suffer for this one stupid disease.

Suffering is in front of us everyday and like Rob Bell says, it’s so important to talk about what matters the most. What matters most? Jesus Christ. All I can say is I wish I went up earlier to talk to Andrew about the love of Jesus. I can only pray somehow Sarah read mine or mum’s blog and led him to the Lord. God does not come to bring suffering, he comes to bring life and hope and abundance.

empty rooms

I had a dream a few nights ago that it was the opening night of my ballet concert when I was about nine years old. The lights in the auditorium were shining, the “big girls” were putting buns in the tiny tots hair, we were all getting dressed into our gorgeous pink tutus, the smell of hairspray was making us go crazy. Me and my friends were racing backstage to see if we could see our mums and dads in their red velvet seats. I was so excited because I had been to every practice, every dress rehearsal, I knew what I was doing. I was going to be a star.

Then, for some reason right before it was time to go on stage my ballet teacher pulled all the dancers together and said “look girls, we’ve just realised the stage is smaller than we thought so we are going to have to cut one dancer, sam you are going to have to sit this one out.”

My heart sunk to my belly. Out of the 60 or so girls why me? Why am I never good enough?

I was taken aside and put in a room to sit by myself until the show was over. I felt so rejected, so lost and so confused.

Everyday we are confronted with rejection. Maybe your father or mother has left you, maybe your friends at school or uni are to busy to see you, maybe you have a talent and you’ve never been chosen to show it in front of a crowd. We feel like we’ve been shoved aside, put in a little room and left to dwell in our misery wondering what we ever did wrong.

In the bible, Jesus was rejected in so many ways:

-  He was rejected in the womb by Joseph. Joseph sought to put Mary away. He thought she’d sinned.
- There was no where to put Jesus when he was born except a smelly old manger where the animals drank from.
- At age twelve his parents forgot he’d be at the temple praising his Father. They actually forgot that he was the son of God.
- Before his death on the cross he was betrayed by his own disciple Judas.
- Pontous Pilate and Barabbas rejected him.
- His own people rejected him and their belief in Him failed when they thought he actually died.
- His own Father rejected him on the cross.

When God turned his back on Jesus, Jesus heart literally burst with water and blood. He was physically broken. Jesus experienced everything we have. He felt every rejection that we feel today.

This week, the enemy has been trying to find ways to pull me off track. he is so low, that he even tried to get me in my sleep. its funny, mum woke at the same time this dream was over, she came into my room and we prayed and the presence of the enemy left.

So what do we do once we’ve been rejected? The most important thing is to recognise what we’ve been rejected from. For me, the story of the ballet was an alleyway for the devil to take to remind me of something similar that happened to me when I was younger. Nothing extreme like that happened but I did feel like I was never good enough to be in the front row, to be the star. That’s every girls dream. I suppose that leads to this fear in me that I will never do anything great for God. But this is such a lie. The devil wants to place fear in me to stop me from hoping and dreaming about my future. What is it for you? Think about it and write it down.

After Jesus was rejected, he completely humbled himself on our behalf.

-        He was God who became man so that we could become the sons of God. John 1:12
-        He became sin so we could become the righteousness of God. 2 Corinthians 5:21
-        He became a curse so that we could live in blessing. Galatians 3:13
-        He became sick so that we could be healed. Isaiah 53:4-5
-        He became poor so that through His poverty we could be rich. 2 Corinthians 8:9
-        He died the death He did not deserve so that we could have the eternal life we could not deserve. Galatians 2:20 and 1 John 5:11-13
-        He was defeated on the cross so that we could live victorious. Romans 8:37
-        He came to earth through natural birth so that we could enter His kingdom through spiritual birth. 1 John 3:3
-        He came to live on earth so that we could go to live in Heaven. John 14:1-6
-        Clothed Himself as man so we can be clothed with the Spirit of God. Philippians 2:4-8

Jesus died on the cross so that we can live in permanent victory. Yes, I have had Leukaemia and a bone marrow transplant this year but who says that the outcome can’t be victory? The devil still tries to enter my life daily and I have to command him to leave, I pray then I am generally at complete peace. The most important thing is to recognise what the devil is trying to get at. What kind of lies is he telling you? Then bind it and start speaking truth over your own life.

This is what has been on my heart the last few days.

i know. can you believe it?

so many people have been asking:

can you drive??

can i come visit you?

can you come see me?

should you be in church?

what about isolation for 100 days?

all year long i’ve been told not to see people. but my doctor at st vincents has told me to live my life to the fullest so i don’t go stir crazy. but to not be around people who are sick (colds, flus, anything contagious). the fact is i am immuno-suppressed. my body is still fighting for its life. but i live now in freedom, but with wisdom i suppose you could say.

suitcases… again.

does anyone know where to purchase heaps of mini suitcases? vinyl, leather, wood. anything? something cute like paddington bears’.

“you spend your whole life learning what you need to know”

cute. found this on frankie forum.

push off… hold on.

Wow, so it’s been over a month since i’ve written. As you know a lot in this space and time has happened to me. It’s probably been the biggest part of the roller coaster yet. I will not be able to tell you all the stories clearly as some days I have been unconscious, some hallucinating, but now more sleeping. My American bone marrow donor cells have definitely taken their toll on me. My hands are like constant pins and needles, my skin looks and feels like marzipan. Hmm, don’t know if that’s a good simile. Meh.

So since being out, I have been able to go to church and far out, I can’t believe how good it is. I swear every message Ps. Phil Pringle has spoken has touched me right on the inside. I wanted to share a bit of that with you, in hope to plant hope in the circumstance of whatever you are going through.

Romans 15:13

¹³May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.”

Everyday we go from despair to hope, hope to despair, backwards and forwards. For me, I can go to  this headspace of “I look like an alien, I have no energy, I don’t want to be seen in public, I don’t have any hope for a future because I can’t even decide a career choice.” I used to love working with children, nannying, and teaching but because I am no “immuno-suppressed” I have to be so careful with bugs and germs I let my body around. So here I am stuck in despair.

But no.

As Ps. Phil preaches and as it says in Romans, God is a God of positive pictures. Expectation is apart of this positivity. It’s about the ability to receive. How much are we carrying around? He arranges our circumstances when we are ready with expectation. I love what it says in

Hebrews 10:23

³Let us hold unswervingly to the hope we profess, for he who promised is faithful.

Amongst all this mess, we mustn’t forget that God is faithful. Just go with it and ask God to take you with Him. Remember that if you have given your heart to God, you’ve given Him permission to take you with Him wherever he goes. Whether it be as big as Leukaemia or as small as changing jobs, he has promised hope to us.

The past is the past, the future is what we cling onto. Everyday we wake for the opportunity to spend with our God in heaven. Everything can be clear again. And the road isn’t always hard. There is patience. But patience builds character. I mean if I could rewind this year, take all the sickness, heartache everything back, I don’t know if I would. Of course I wish it would’ve been an easy step by step process. I wish I were bouncing out of bed every morning to the gym, to grab a coffee and down to the beach. There are so many things I want. But as Ps Phil pointed out that if there’s no patience, our trees never bear fruit. As we watch time, we watch the fulfillment of our dreams come to pass.

God’s timing is accurate. Keep drawing, designing, writing, creating, dreaming. Have a vision. Have a hope. And make sure lots of laughter is including in the whole package.

++ Inspiration from this blog was drawn from Ps. Phil Pringle’s messages Saturday Night 20 Sept, Sunday Night 21 Sept, Sunday Morning 27 Sept. Get DVDs from www.myc3church.net

exceeding expectations

something to think about before my next post…

be fanatics. when it comes to being, doing and dreaming the best, be maniacs.

A.M. ROSENTHAL

these guys

you have been introduced to graham before. now there is a new addition.

this is alice. alice in wonderland. she was made for someone very special so i have adopted her out and she is now living in a new home. 

 

i hope you enjoy. x.

some favourite things

this little man makes me laugh.

that’s all. 

x.