I’ve been doing a lot of packing and unpacking lately. Packing for hospital, packing to come home, all for this seemingly lifeless journey of Leukaemia. When the nurses visit my cubicle at hospital they laugh at me saying, “Gosh all you need now is the kitchen sink.” I am left to think, what am I doing? What life am I living? My life at the moment seems like a dead end job that doesn’t get you anywhere. I pack people and things into the days I feel good, knowing that soon six days of chemotherapy will be pumping through my body, leaving it to feel empty, gasping for air, and I wish I could be living a much more fuller life. There are very few days where I wake up feeling empty, but when those days come I really have to push through and trust God. When I ran my connect group last year, I used to tell my girls that when you are empty, when you can’t hear God or he feels far away, think of all the things that inspire you. Pack it all into one a4 page and see if then you have a revelation of Jesus. Here are just 50 of the things that I thought to inspire me today.
1. great photography 2. black and white 3. david gray this years love 4. slow motions films in london and paris 5. tears 6. bright coloured singlets 7. kt tunstall the other side of the world 8. rain on long bus trips 9. acoustic guitars 10. plain drum beats 11. close up facial expressions 12. piggy backs 13. oversized sunglasses 14. spinning around in circles 15. blonde toddlers with piggy tails 16. row boats 17. notebooks filled with words 18. the beach at sunrise 19. busy city streets 20. chipped black finger nails, black hats and dark mascara 21. lots of silver necklaces 22. long hair 23. snow 24. white space in magazines 25. peanut m&ms 26. walking at night 27. watching traffic lights change 28. champagne and strawberries 29. massive scarves 30. marshmellows and hot chocolate in white mugs 31. reaching to heaven 32. sunrays gleaming through camera lenses 33. a flock of white birds 34. ferris wheels at night 35. fairy floss on a stick 36. gingham fabric on jam jars 37. brown paper packages 38. sitting in odd positions 39. walls filled with books 40. a trusty jacket 41. patchwork quilts 42. hash browns 43. christmas morning 44. knock and run 45. stacks on 46. buttons and pockets 47. willow trees 48. sour lemon face 49. hot towels from the dryer 50. daisy chains.
I am reminded that my life is safe in His hands. His promise is “if you love me, obey my commandments and I will ask the Father, and He will give you another Counsellor, who will never leave you. He is the Holy Spirit who leads into all truth. The world at large cannot receive Him. You recognise Him because He lives with you now and will later on be in you.” John 14:15-18. I am so blessed. I am not worried. Actually some days I freak out but I am covered in a white sheet. The sheet calms all nervousness and tells me to trust Him and have faith that He works everything out for those who love him. I am free and I have joy. And maybe the nurses are right, I do bring everything to hospital because I never know what kind of peace and strength I will need that day. But I know that I will have just enough to get me through this.
“Enjoy the little things for one day you may look back and realise they were the big.”