there are just so many things to say, to pour out from the heart of me. i have been through so much this year i find it hard to collate everything about how i am into a blog. right now is new year, everybody making goals, applying for extras courses, joining the gym, getting their lives back in shape. i am almost there. i can see the light. i have applied for part time uni, they suggested trying two subjects a semester. i need to rebuild my brain cells. i am still trying to come to terms with the changes in my body, my hair growing back. how will it look short? my skin is rebuilding but i get burnt after a morning coffee in the sun. i am trying so hard. it is over. drugs are being tapered, i am physically starting to feel well.

now the whole hospital journey is over, i put my head in my hands and wonder what to do with this life. i have to listen to what my body is doing. i have to try hard to stay well because i am immune-suppressed.

ive started journaling again. every morning i write 3 pages of whatever is on my mind. i get it out. positive stuff and negative stuff or stuff im just frustrated with. its great because it clears my head. i got this idea from mum – she showed me a book called “The Artists Way” by Julia Cameron. She gives weekly tasks you have to complete to get  your mind working. maybe one day i’ll find one to share with you.

ive been through big things this past year. bigger than i can remember. and when i think of it, i swallow and lose my words. what do i do? where do i start? i have a new life now. God’s been telling me that i have already conquered. that i am beside him on the throne. i am close to Him. i am safe.

once i call out to him he reminds me:

Jeremiah 29:11

For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

I can fly. I can do whatever I want.

Philippines 4:13

I can do everything through him who gives me strength.

If I’m alone, I have to call out. Where are you God? Sometimes he comes straight away. Sometimes it takes some persistence.

2 Corinthians 12:9

But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.

Then we can relax and realise that God holds our questions, our struggles, our pain.

We will be okay.




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5 responses to “rest

  1. Nicely put, Sam. Its always worth visiting your blog because you tell the truth so plainly.

  2. “i have a new life now. God’s been telling me that i have already conquered. that i am beside him on the throne. i am close to Him. i am safe.”

    thanks for writing what is swirling around in my head but won’t come out through my fingertips. you are wonderful. so good to read a blog from you!

    so much love,
    katie xx

  3. Despina

    I stumbled accross your blog from a status update on facebook and for the past two hours I have been addicted to every word you and your mother have written in your blogs. You are such a remarkable woman, trully inspiring. Every blog you have written has been more uplifting than the previous and I am left speechless at how strong in faith you have been through this suffering. You are a remarkable person and only good things can come to you now. You are in my thoughts and prayers xxxx

  4. Cassie

    It made me so happy to read this!

    “I saw that my life was a vast glowing empty page and I could do anything I wanted.”
    – Jack Kerouac

  5. Bronte Waller

    Hey Beautiful Sam…
    I visit often just to see. Lovely to find you’ve been here. This week is the one year anniversary… bizarre. Yes, how do you piece this all together- the menagerie of feelings thoughts experiences beyond words…it has been so painful boring intense full empty lonely crowded…such utter extremes takes time to process. God is not in a hurry…my prayers are with you as you come to terms with it all…I pray sunshine on your pages…words wet with tears…revealing treasures of darkness. All my love, XXBronteXX

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