there are just so many things to say, to pour out from the heart of me. i have been through so much this year i find it hard to collate everything about how i am into a blog. right now is new year, everybody making goals, applying for extras courses, joining the gym, getting their lives back in shape. i am almost there. i can see the light. i have applied for part time uni, they suggested trying two subjects a semester. i need to rebuild my brain cells. i am still trying to come to terms with the changes in my body, my hair growing back. how will it look short? my skin is rebuilding but i get burnt after a morning coffee in the sun. i am trying so hard. it is over. drugs are being tapered, i am physically starting to feel well.
now the whole hospital journey is over, i put my head in my hands and wonder what to do with this life. i have to listen to what my body is doing. i have to try hard to stay well because i am immune-suppressed.
ive started journaling again. every morning i write 3 pages of whatever is on my mind. i get it out. positive stuff and negative stuff or stuff im just frustrated with. its great because it clears my head. i got this idea from mum – she showed me a book called “The Artists Way” by Julia Cameron. She gives weekly tasks you have to complete to get your mind working. maybe one day i’ll find one to share with you.
ive been through big things this past year. bigger than i can remember. and when i think of it, i swallow and lose my words. what do i do? where do i start? i have a new life now. God’s been telling me that i have already conquered. that i am beside him on the throne. i am close to Him. i am safe.
once i call out to him he reminds me:
For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.
I can fly. I can do whatever I want.
I can do everything through him who gives me strength.
If I’m alone, I have to call out. Where are you God? Sometimes he comes straight away. Sometimes it takes some persistence.
2 Corinthians 12:9
But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.
Then we can relax and realise that God holds our questions, our struggles, our pain.
We will be okay.