I have a lump in my throat when I go to bed each night, anxious for sleep and fear for what the next day holds.

I have a lump in my throat on the days that I meet a new surgeon, I have to again retell my story and repeat my list of drugs. I am always reminded of my painful journey.

I have a lump in my throat when I sit on my bed and look around, trying to find something that will fill my life with a kind of purpose.

I have a lump in my throat when my favorite tv series finishes. What do I do with my time?

I have a lump in my throat when I hear about what others have been through while I have been gone. Why couldn’t I be around to help them?

I have a lump in my throat when I see my old friends well, established and moving on.

I have a lump in my throat when school holidays end and there is no one around.

I have a lump when I think of the future. Is my sentence of infertility for real?

I get a lump in my throat and I feel all hope is lost.

A lump when I have endless days to do whatever I like.

I get a lump in my throat when people tell me its going to be okay because I know its true. It’s just too hard to try and persevere.

I am learning not to try and control my thoughts but to stop letting them control me.

My words are true, but I am still dreaming. It has been a year this week since my last dose of chemotherapy. This time last year I was completely wiped out with no memory of three days. Its insane to think about what has happened during this time. God is teaching me daily how to take care of myself and look after my mind. Physically my health is improving but emotionally, things are challenging. Today I am going to visit a clinical psychologist. Pray for my safety and pray that my thoughts don’t control me.



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13 responses to “swallow

  1. emma

    i wish the lump wasnt there.

  2. maddyVeda

    so brave and so beautiful Sam

  3. girlhardlyworking

    love u x.b
    (wish i could take it)

  4. silvia

    When I saw the title of your entry “Swallow” I thought of the gorgeous little birds that flitter and swoop across our paddock, building little mud nests in an opportune corner of a sheltered stable.

    They make it look so easy.
    Petite, graceful, self sufficient and resourceful.

    But your “swallow” was a different one.
    I think that now when I see them, I will remember your”swallow”.

    Much love

  5. Alex Farncomb

    you’re the best sam!

  6. Dream big Sam. My thoughts and prayers are with you. I’ve been putting on the armor of god for you daily this week. Xxoo

  7. dom

    I’ve started following your posts only recently and all I can say – you’re amazing. Really.

    You’ve gone through so much, but never give up hope and that is hard to find in people these days.


  8. iloveyouiloveyouiloveyou.
    (true story).
    you are amazing.
    i do believe we have adventures calling.
    see you soon!

  9. jo peacock

    Dear Sam I like Silvia thought of the swallow bird avery graceful bird like you are graceful.I pray the lump will go. Remember Ex. 23- 20 , the angel i believe is still going before you, the Lord said He would take away sickness and that none shall miscarry or be barren !!!! and I will give you a full lifespan I believe without doubt the Lord gave that passage to me the day after you were admitted to North Shore Hosp and it still stands With all our love to you, can’t tell you how much grandad and i love you xxxxxxxxxxGrandma xxxxxx

  10. alex kent

    Sam i love you. Despite the tedious pain of your situation, you continue to endure. Your words and writing speak of a consecrated hope..fixated in your faith. As you battle through eachday i pray that you become stronger-not only physically but mentally and spiritually. Over the last few weeks I have not been able to stop reading your words…i’m in complete awe of your faith and strength. I can not begin to fathom what this is all like for you but you truly are the epitome of a hero. xxx

  11. Don’t be afraid of the psychologist, Sam. I was too but I’m finding it really helps me identify the triggers that cause me so much distress. As I work through the issues that come with heavy doses of chemo and the steroids they give me to combat the side effects, I find that time with the shrink is good for me and… ultimately… for those around me.

    I’m not going to tell you to be brave or stay strong… you already know how to walk the walk.

    Thinking of you. Maybe I’ll see you ’round St. Vincents in the coming weeks.

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