if

Rudyard Kipling

If you can keep your head when all about you
Are losing theirs and blaming it on you,
If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you
But make allowance for their doubting too,
If you can wait and not be tired by waiting
Or being lied about don’t deal in lies,
Or being hated don’t give away to hating,
And yet don’t look too good nor talk too wise.

If you can dream – and not make dreams your master,
If you can think – and not make thoughts your aim;
If you can meet with triumph and disaster
And treat those two imposers just the same;
If you can bear to hear the truth you’ve spoken
Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,
Or watch the things you gave your life to, broken,
And stoop and build ’em up again with worn out tools

If you can make one heap if all your winnings
And risk it all on one turn of pitch-and-toss,
And lose and start again at your beginnings
And never breathe a word about your loss;
If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew
To serve your turn long after they are gone,
And so hold one when there is nothing in you
Except the will which says to them: “Hold on!”

If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,
Or walk with kings – nor lose the common touch;
If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you
If all men count with you but none too much;
If you can fill the unforgiving minute
With sixty seconds worth of distance run,
Yours is the earth and everything that’s in it
And – which is more – you’ll be a man, my son!

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“gonna take you away from home”

Gonna take her for a ride on a big jet plane

Angus and Julia Stone

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everything’s not lost

I find myself daily battling with grief. Godly grief and worldly grief, as Paul writes in Corinthians. They are two different things.

For godly grief produces a repentance that leads to salvation without regret, whereas worldly grief produces death.”

2 Corinthians 7:10

Every morning I seek out my God. Who are you to me today? Where are you? Sometimes he’s right there. Sometimes he seems distant. My brain churns throughout the day. Going over the things that have happened. I grieve. Why can’t I be normal again? I cry about my appearance, my hair. Even though I am constantly reminded that I am pretty, it feels like I have lost everything. It seems as though every one else has moved on. Every one has finished their uni degrees. Everyone are running flourishing connect groups. Everyone else is saving the world. Everyone has the energy to run on a treadmill and attend gym classes. I get so caught up in what everyone else gets. I am alone.

I stop myself. Who am I to be dreaming these things. God’s word in me seems to be strong enough to stop these thoughts. These thoughts leading to death and destruction. I tell myself I am alive. I am recovering. Even when results are not so good, when I have to start more drugs to cure a problem, when I am too tired to attend social events. I tell myself I am not alone. Everything is not lost. I have my Father. I know what I need in these times and that is people to call on. It’s okay to need help. I knew I needed encouragement. I was broken and angry at God. I think its okay if you realise it and seek help to change your attitude.

If we go to God with our grief it brings joy rather than darkness. We take a step forwards rather than mull around in the same position freaking out. Paul’s letter reminds me to take each day as it comes. Look to Jesus. Cast our cares upon Him.

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when you have nothing left

Build me a home inside your scars.

Build me a home inside your song.

Build me a home inside your open arms.

The only place I ever will belong.

Jon Foreman

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with my head in the clouds

Sometimes when we go through things, we lose the ability to communicate how we actually feel. There is so much going on that you can’t pinpoint one actual thing that is getting to you. I have been trying to think of one thing to talk to you about but I can’t. Like I said, there is still alot going on. I always feel like I am the only one. I now know this isn’t the case. I lost myself today on http://www.weheartit.com. Here are some words and pictures that reflect the way I have been feeling.

The future is ours. Let us let go of what really doesn’t matter. Let us embrace each day. Smile when we can. I am still learning too.

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a wrestle

it’s been six months on wednesday since my bone marrow transplant. six months spent recovering from graft versus host disease, body changes, hair growth, friendship shifts, church ministry changes, thinking about uni, being independent again. i push myself everyday to get up to live this life. this life that is full of hardships and trials. i wonder when it will be over. at church on sunday night i was reminded about the story of jacob and esau, jacob representing us, esau representing the world. they fought each other since they were in the womb. esau was living in the land of seir at the time. he despised his brother jacob because jacob got the blessing at birth not him. (genesis 32). jacob set out to seek a reconciliation with his brother. he brought gifts and blessings to pay his brother back. imagine swallowing your pride to do such a thing.

when esau heard about jacob coming he sent out four hundred men to fight. jacob prayed to God and asked what he should do. he gathered the gifts and sent them with the servants on ahead. if esau were to meet with his people they would give him the gifts. jacob stayed back and wrestled with a man.

“When the man saw that he could not overpower him, he touched the socket of Jacob’s hip so that his hip was wrenched as he wrestled with the man. 26 Then the man said, “Let me go, for it is daybreak.”
But Jacob replied, “I will not let you go unless you bless me. 27 The man asked him, “What is your name?”

“Jacob,” he answered.28 Then the man said, “Your name will no longer be Jacob, but Israel, because you have struggled with God and with men and have overcome.” 29 Jacob said, “Please tell me your name.” But he replied, “Why do you ask my name?” Then he blessed him there. 30 So Jacob called the place Peniel, [f] saying, “It is because I saw God face to face, and yet my life was spared.”

From then on, jacob walked with a limp. Jesus marked his life with something to remind him of what he’d been through.

I feel like i wrestle with god daily. so many questions that don’t make sense. everyday i ask him to help me, to protect me from the things of this world, from this fast paced, people pleasing society that we live in. this week i am learning that what ive been through has caused a limp in my life. i am changed again. i have scars on my chest, skin that is stretchy, a low attention span, the list goes on. i am dealing with life day by day and learning to love every moment. i am learning that it is okay to be myself, to dress how i like, listen to what i like and do what  i want. if we are living in love then we show love. if we laugh and enjoy what we do i think people see that. so i trust god will answer my questions and he will make me stronger. jacob had so much faith in god, even though god slammed his hip and left him with a limp. bad things happen. i am learning to ask myself not why they happen but what can come out of it? i have faith that i will see something change. lets just have fun.

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university

Wow, what a week. I started back at uni doing two subjects. It was crazy, fun, hard, overwhelming. I sat in the first lecture and laughed with tears in my eyes. I’ve almost made it. I get out my stationary, hands still shaking from drugs and write my name and subject on the cover. So messy. I’m such a perfectionist. The room was packed full. Students were bringing chairs in left right and centre. I kept my head down avoiding eye contact with anyone. I wanted space on either side of me. I became overwhelmed, my tummy turned and I remembered that this is all in God’s plan. It came to the time where the lecturer asked us to talk to the person next to us. My immediate thought is “oh great, now i’m gonna have to introduce myself and tell the whole leukaemia story to some stranger.” We looked at each other and said hi. She asked me how long I’d been at uni for and I said it was a long story but that I missed last years classes because of leukaemia. It turns out she has a friend with it. She totally understood and didn’t ask further questions. It was amazing. I was so happy. A friend who understood. I walked her to her next class and we promised to sit together again.

I came home from uni on Monday with a purpose. A hope and a dream to keep moving forward no matter how long it takes and no matter how hard it is. My attention span isn’t strong, I find it difficult to read more than two pages at once, my brain goes fuzzy. My handwriting is messy. It’ll be years until I finish my degree. But I know in my heart that I am a conquerer. Sitting on His throne (Rev 3). I take day by day, putting my health first. Jesus is with me always. I can feel Him by my side. This is still hard but I have a vision for my future.

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