it’s been six months on wednesday since my bone marrow transplant. six months spent recovering from graft versus host disease, body changes, hair growth, friendship shifts, church ministry changes, thinking about uni, being independent again. i push myself everyday to get up to live this life. this life that is full of hardships and trials. i wonder when it will be over. at church on sunday night i was reminded about the story of jacob and esau, jacob representing us, esau representing the world. they fought each other since they were in the womb. esau was living in the land of seir at the time. he despised his brother jacob because jacob got the blessing at birth not him. (genesis 32). jacob set out to seek a reconciliation with his brother. he brought gifts and blessings to pay his brother back. imagine swallowing your pride to do such a thing.
when esau heard about jacob coming he sent out four hundred men to fight. jacob prayed to God and asked what he should do. he gathered the gifts and sent them with the servants on ahead. if esau were to meet with his people they would give him the gifts. jacob stayed back and wrestled with a man.
“When the man saw that he could not overpower him, he touched the socket of Jacob’s hip so that his hip was wrenched as he wrestled with the man. 26 Then the man said, “Let me go, for it is daybreak.”
But Jacob replied, “I will not let you go unless you bless me. 27 The man asked him, “What is your name?”
“Jacob,” he answered.28 Then the man said, “Your name will no longer be Jacob, but Israel, because you have struggled with God and with men and have overcome.” 29 Jacob said, “Please tell me your name.” But he replied, “Why do you ask my name?” Then he blessed him there. 30 So Jacob called the place Peniel, [f] saying, “It is because I saw God face to face, and yet my life was spared.”
From then on, jacob walked with a limp. Jesus marked his life with something to remind him of what he’d been through.
I feel like i wrestle with god daily. so many questions that don’t make sense. everyday i ask him to help me, to protect me from the things of this world, from this fast paced, people pleasing society that we live in. this week i am learning that what ive been through has caused a limp in my life. i am changed again. i have scars on my chest, skin that is stretchy, a low attention span, the list goes on. i am dealing with life day by day and learning to love every moment. i am learning that it is okay to be myself, to dress how i like, listen to what i like and do what i want. if we are living in love then we show love. if we laugh and enjoy what we do i think people see that. so i trust god will answer my questions and he will make me stronger. jacob had so much faith in god, even though god slammed his hip and left him with a limp. bad things happen. i am learning to ask myself not why they happen but what can come out of it? i have faith that i will see something change. lets just have fun.